(Tennessee line) just changed my mind.

I can trace my interest in biomedical engineering and medicine back to my 2005 obsession with Gundam SEED. I thought about it, but the idea never really took off. I was committed to graphic design. We had been together for 3 years and were about to get serious.

Sometime last year I got tired of the pro/con lists, the constant indecision, the “input” from family and all of my doubts.

In January, I poked my head into Dr. D’s office and said “Hey doc, heads or tails?”

He chose tails. I flipped a quarter.  “Doctors v. Lawyers” had come to an end.
Simple as that.

I’m kidding. The coin flip really did occur, but only weeks after I realized where I was standing.

I’ve worked in different sections of the  health care field and I’ve been standing on that side of the looking glass since I was a kid. It’s never been rosy, it’s never been attractive, I swore to never even consider going in to any of it.

So, why am I going against all of my childhood convictions? 

This path I’m on isn’t something I woke up and decided to do. It wasn’t something some kind stranger told me I should consider. This is just where my wrong turns and bad calls landed me. This is just me facing the consequences of my actions, my idleness, my immaturity.

I like where I am. I like what I’m working towards. I like that these fields will allow me to use every skill I’ve ever acquired. I have no doubt that my decision will stick, but I reserve the right to change my mind at any point in time. I know that I won’t be disillusioned by the flawed systems I’ll face, but I still have a lot to learn.

While I was in New York, I drew up a lists of 7 things. Why that guy? Why Medicine? Why Engineering?

#1 was always the same: Because I can.

#5 is the only one worth noting right now. It’s s statement that can be applied to anything.

Reason #5: “I want to be dependable. A doctor’s primary responsibility is to teach. Whether it’s a scared and frustrated patient make sense of what is or teaching students a new skill. Because I know that if I didn’t know, I would want someone around who had the knowledge to grasp-whatever. ”

I want to become a doctor (kick ass surgeon, actually), but I'm willing to see where this road takes me. The past has shown me that being too static only brings disaster. I want to enjoy the journey.

Ain't about how fast I get there.
Ain't about what's waitin' on the other side.
It's the climb.
The Climb, Miley Cyrus

Let it Rock, Drop the World and Shut It Down

Until February 8, 2010, I had been working at a doctor's office scheduling surgeries and coordinating referrals. Day in, day out, 8 AM until 5, sometimes even until 8 PM. For me, it was the 8th circle of hell:

First, too many women in the same office is never ever a good thing. Ever hear the one about too many bitches is the same room? Do you watch "The Housewives of New Jersey"?
Second, Trust your gut when it comes to trusting people. Don’t change your mind just because someone with "better judgment" says it’s OK.
Third, don’t let your “genius” show. You'll look like an arrogant ass.
Fourth, It’s a violation  when your co-workers start hiding/trashing your paperwork because you’re a threat. Deal with these people with all the grace and indifference you can muster up. Being angry only fuels the fire.
Fifth, always, always, always stick to your job description.
Sixth, always have 3 backups, not 2.
Seventh, "don't you ever for a second get to thinking you're irreplaceable." Yep, Beyonce was right.

I was bullied by women more than twice my age. I grew to hate it, being the scapegoat. I loved what I was doing, but I hated who I was doing it with.

Eventually, there was only one person in that office I liked. My boss had been talking about bringing a new surgeon in the practice for months and when he finally arrived they all hated him. They thought he was an ass for stating that he completed his residency at Big Name Place in the South. Dr. Dude turned out to be a very great person and a fellow Hurricanes fan, too. Working under Dr. Dude was enjoyable. I learned about procedures and equipment and, more importantly, I saw both sides of medicine: the art and the science. That’s when I realized; This is what I want.

Working there left an impression and it’s far from negative. Negative things are bound to happen, especially if you surround yourself with an arrogant, arrogant lot. I give because I want to, I don’t expect the world on a silver platter in return. I have (some) pride and I know what I know and I'm not afraid to say so, but I also know what I do not and I readily voice my ignorance. I may be out of a paycheck, but in the end I think I got more out of this than a million years of minimum wage could ever bring me.

Picture Perfect (In Your Eyes)

In Gossip Girl, Blair Waldorf is always portrayed as living in her own extravagant version of Breakfast at Tiffany’s. If it interferes with her ideal world, she schemes and tortures until all is right and the lighting is just so. Her plans usually backfire in the end, especially if they involve knocking Serena van der Woodsen down. If she fails, she goes on as if doesn’t exist. It never happened. She’s Blair Waldorf, after all. Waldorf’s never fail.

I’m a perfectionist by nature. I’m obsessed with setting exceedingly high standards for myself. It’s annoying. I know that things turn out better when I ignore this compulsive need to make them perfect. Usually, when things don’t go exactly as I planned them, I try to fix them via slightly questionable means. The “fixing” process makes people doubt the severity of my perfectionism. I usually ruin everything for myself in the end.

Just last week, I delivered a monologue about how anything lower than an ‘A’ in any given course was unacceptable because I know what I’m capable of. I had to stop myself, reanalyze and admit it: I make mistakes. If I get a ‘B’ what will I do? Call it quits? Oh, hell no.

I’ve done this twice already. Luckily, I ended up in a pretty good place. A place where I was able to find and solidify my resolve. I experienced things, good and bad, and learned things I never could have imagined myself caring about.

Pursuing perfection, it’s no life. Eventually you’ll become numb, believe that there is no life worth living and want to end it. I don’t like recalling how it felt, it’s truly heart-crushing.

I know now that my perception of perfection is unattainable. There’s nothing I can do to control my thoughts, but I’ve learned to change my responses to them.

People say that the first step is always the longest stride and, chemical imbalances aside, it’s true. Once you take that first step, that fantasy in your mind begins to dissolve. I’ve yet to be truly disillusioned when finally faced with reality, that’s just life and I love it.

In my opinion, the flaws and what I’ve learned from them are what make it worth living.

I don't need your approval, but I'd like it.

Yesterday I met with my departmental advisor for the first time. Unlike my general academic advisors, he was extremely supportive.

It’s not that I need approval to feel validated. It’s just nice to see that someone is willing to help guide that girl who doesn’t seem like engineer material on paper. People see the potential, but they also see the fact that follow through when the going gets tough is minimal and they focus on that.

I tried not to mention the fact that I plan on going to medical school. I said “Maybe, I’m not sure. Most likely. That’s why I need to take my science courses at FIU.”

I don’t know why, but a lot of my acquaintances seem to think that engineering majors heading off to med school are fakes. Like, they’re just studying engineering because it’s a difficult field that looks good on paper.

I disagree.

A few weeks ago, I stopped by the Apple Store to buy myself a laptop. Our sales associate was awesome. We got around to chatting and I found out that she had been studying engineering at the University of Florida. She told me that she loved math, but not so much the field of engineering. After two semesters she transferred to FIU and is still trying to find her path.

On paper, she had a strong background in both math and science. Combined, she would have made a excellent engineering student, right? Wrong.

What I learned that day is that it doesn’t matter where your strengths lie. If you’re not interested in what you’re going into you won’t go through with it. Study what you like. Even without natural ability, math and science can be learned. Interest must be genuine. And that, you can’t fake.